When I was a kid, my mom often bought the tabloids to read the predictions of the so-called psychics for the coming year. In that spirit, I offer my vision of 2006 below:
1. At the Anonymous Government Office (AGO) populated by so many well-known bloggers, the words, “South Beach,” “diet,” “calories,” and “carbs,” will be uttered with unprecedented frequency and intensity during the month of January.
2. In Virginia, there is a Gal who will meet her soul mate under unexpected circumstances. Marriage plans will be under way by New Year’s Day 2007 for this romantic, jet-setting couple.
3. Pax Romano will become the host of popular daytime talk show, featuring scintillating commentary on such topics as pop culture, politics, celebrity and celebrities.
4. Zelda Parker will tire of the paper chase and launch an upscale gardening service. A prominent gardening magazine will feature (in full, glossy Technicolor) a layout of her garden designs for Southern New Jersey McMansions and upscale Philadelphia courtyards. A contract for a cable gardening show will be under discussion by the end of the year.
5. Joe T. will pen and publish a bestseller based on his adventures in social work. As a direct result of the book’s success, he will be tapped by the Commissioner to become the driving force behind The Governor’s Task Force for Change in Social Service Delivery.
6. Mr. Merci will grow restless as spring approaches and disavow previous threats to, “Hang ‘em up.” In other words, he’ll sign on for another year of baseball with the USOTB.
7. Scandal and cover-up at the White House will crescendo, causing the media to dub it, “The White-Wash House.”
8. A series of winter storms greater than those of the early 1990’s, followed by the first hurricane to strike the New Jersey coast in decades, will cause such damage at the Jersey Shore that 2006 will go down in local history as, “The year without tourists.” The shore economy will become dependent on local citizens, causing business plans and government policies to be redesigned in their favor.
9. A group of social workers from the AGO will hit it big in a Mega Millions drawing, creating a sudden surge in vacancies at said office.
10. The current plans for the relocation of the AGO will be scrapped. New plans for the move of the office to the outskirts of Utopia (the office could never be said to be in Utopia) will cause a stir amongst office personnel as the year draws to a close.
A review of the above prophecies is planned for Day One of 2007.